I continue to tell myself that he is lying, but I cannot shake the question about whether he is.
Doscimael came to me, and promised me that he would return Alexis to life if I did something for him.
All he wanted was for me to read the book- something which I had intended on doing anyhow. His desire for me to do so was quite alarming actually, and
made me re-evaluate my desire to go through with it. I knew very well that he could not return to me the woman I’d lost… or… could he?
He described to me that her soul was being slowly torn apart, just as were the souls of all man-kind. The holy writs tell us that the God Emperor is protecting their souls, and I knew that even Doscimael, powerful as he was, could not hope to challenge the Emperor. When I told him this, however
he only seemed to grow more smug. It was unsettling to say the least. He told me that the Emperor was overstretched and could no longer defend the souls of men, that Alexis’s soul was going to be torn apart if I did not act.
I had never felt such indecision before. I had always prided myself upon being decisive and clean, yet this daemon found a way to tempt me in a way I’d not thought possible. I had nothing but this Daemon’s word to go on, and I knew that he had every reason to lie to me and yet some part of me believed him. I knew that the ship was stuck in the warp for the reason that Doscimael was going to hold us back until I gave in to him and read the book.
I deeply wanted Alexis back, and if he was being truthful about her soul being in jeopardy, then I couldn’t just stay still. Even so, I ended her in the first place to spare her the horrors of corruption. Even though he promised me that she would be returned to me entirely without taint, I could not believe him. She would not want this.
I asked the Daemon to bring the book to my room, I did not want to include the rest of the crew in such a decision… and part of me knew that Lady Castus would not approve. However, I could not betray her trust. I left the Daemon and went to discuss with Lady Castus and told her everything.
She was… surprisingly open to the idea. I had not anticipated that she would want me to read the book, and that she would want Alexis returned in such a way. Even so, I could not return Alexis in that way, it would be too great a betrayal. I could not take the risk that her soul would be put to harm however, so I negotiated with the Daemon that her soul would be safe. I hope it can be kept with me somehow for safe keeping, but I’m not certain how these things work.
I returned to Doscimael and told him I would take his bargain, and that he would have to ensure the safety of Alexis soul. He accepted, and I began to read. It was… difficult. I have a burning headache and I felt as though I could almost physically feel my sanity slipping as I read, but it’s now done.
The ship came out of the warp finally and we now are back on our way.
Perhaps it is a good thing that Alexis was not returned to this life… I love her deeply, and I always will, but… I am not the man I was when she knew me.
That man died along with her, the moment he pulled the trigger that ended her. The man I am now I’m not so certain she could love like she did.